The Passenger's Plight
- Tina A.
- Oct 29, 2024
- 3 min read
Updated: Nov 15, 2024
From the author of "Once a Passenger."
There came a time in my life when the so-called empire I had built suddenly lost its luster. Everything I strived to achieve, everything I believed would bring comfort and fulfillment brought nothing by brokenness and disillusionment. Although I needed nothing in the material sense, my life felt empty and meaningless. It's a scary thought to feel that way, especially as a happily married woman, a mother of two beautiful children, and a high school teacher. My life was full of purpose within those roles, but something still felt horribly wrong. I spent days wrestling with fear and vainly fighting tears. Why couldn't I appreciate everything I had? I was stuck. My heart felt like a jar I had been trying to fill, not knowing it was actually cracked. Would there ever be enough when the destination was simply, "MORE?" Was the daily rat race supposed to fill me with a sense of contentment? Was the constant juggling of the roles supposed to produce inner peace? And more importantly, who was I outside of these roles?
These and more questions assailed me during my thirty-year-old existential crisis. With no solution in sight, I finally resorted to what shouldn't have been my last resort: I got down on my knees and cried out to the Lord. I begged Him for a way out from being trapped in the passenger's seat of life. The way out came in the form of a sentence uttered by my husband. This mere suggestion he made as a joke suddenly ignited a new fire inside my heart. The first radical decision I had ever made in my life sent me on a wild journey. Determined to break away from "autopilot" mode, I set out to live my life with rugged intentionality. The people and things that mattered to me most in life would be placed at the forefront, where I could freely pour my time and energy into them.
In my quest for a chosen direction that would release me from societal expectations and pressures, I fell prey to a few predators in disguise of intentionality: control and perfectionism. In reality, these were no new enemies. They simply came into focus quite clearly because I mistakenly believed that intentionality meant I had to have it all together all the time. Another lie was exposed, and a new truth came to replace it: intention can be an attitude and not necessarily an action. In the seasons when any semblance of control was simply out of reach, an opportunity to trust in God fully presented itself, as well as the chance to shed the illusion that having it together determined my worth. I could practice intentionality by choosing a different reaction to challenging circumstances. But most importantly, God allowed me to embrace His love as my personal identity and the source of my value. Even when "doing" all the things was not possible, "being" His beloved was all that was needed.
A huge part of this transformative journey involved having the courage to embrace vulnerability and to share my struggles in my book, "Once a Passenger." Although I see a great deal of suffering in the lives of many that I have not experienced for myself, I saw in the aftermath of publishing my personal stories that many could relate to my experiences. The struggle is the same for everyone: to find meaning in a world that is pulling us in so many directions and trying to give us a false sense of purpose and fulfillment.
Whether you are picking up my book before, during, or after your very own existential crisis, my prayer is that my story would inspire you to consider intentionality in your own situation while embracing your identity as the beloved of Christ. Happy reading, my friend!
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